How to Grow a Mullet

The title to this topic is about as obsolete as a heading that would read: How to Take Care of Your Pet Rock. Mullet haircuts went out of style nearly 20 years ago! Why anyone would want to learn how to grow his or her hair to achieve this look in 2009? Well, I suppose it’s possible that it could return. Among the younger generation, hairstyles seem to come and go in cycles. Turn on the Disney Channel or Nickelodeon and you’ll find that the teenaged stars on the popular shows are practically indistiguishable from the Brady Bunch. In the case of the mullet; however, not enough time has passed for this awful style to come full circle. But give it another decade, and who knows? So for those who feel that they can predict the future or start what is perceived as a new trend despite the fact that we elders have been there and done that, and all before you were in diapers, here is how to grow one.

Cut your hair short on the top and sides. You can even buzz the sides down to a crewcut stubble. Above all, make sure your entire ear is exposed. At a starting point somewhere in the middle of your scalp, let the rest of your hair grow long. Grow it at least to shoulder length. This will create two vastly contrasting looks at the same time. As long as a person is not balding, growing a mullet is not a problem, but keep the following in mind: The few individuals who refuse to acknowledge the arrival of the 21st century by still wearing mullets are generally not envied. Even Billy Ray Cyrus, the father of Miley and arguably one of the most recognized celebrities who donned this hairstyle when he wowed the nation with his “Achy Breaky Heart” country single when the first George Bush (as in Senior) sat in the Oval Office, regularly pokes fun at himself today for choosing this look. Translation: What the hell was I thinking?”

Furthermore, people who still wear mullets today are stereotyped; and in most cases, justifiably so. My vision of the typical person who sports this look in the present time period will reside in a trailer park, smoke generic cigarette brands such as Basic, and drive one of the following vehicles: A) a Camaro or Firebird, or B) a pickup truck with the suspension jacked up so high that passengers will get a nosebleed. In addition, their preferred musical genre is Southern rock. In fact, many feel that the Star Spangled Banner should be dropped as our National Anthem in favor of Free Bird. Others who seem to favor mullets are lesbian women and aging rock musicians who forgot to change their look when the Hair Band era drew to a close.

To be fair, I can think of one person who actually looked better with a mullet, and that was Mel Gibson. He wore this hairstyle back in the 1980’s and early 1990’s in many films; most notably the first three Lethal Weapon movies. By the fourth installment of this series, Gibson had cut his hair into a more conventional style and it made him look much older. Certainly, he WAS older, but his short haircut added several more years prematurely.

Nevertheless, the rest of us for the most part have moved on. And thankfully so.